


Are You Afraid to Die?

by shatteredwriters



Series: Brothers in Arms [1]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Am I Really Writing New MASH Fics in 2020?, Angst, Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce Whump, Bonding, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Loves B. J. Hunnicutt, Everyone Loves Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Love These Characters and This Show, References to MASH (TV), Sorry Not Sorry, Tumblr Prompt, mash au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:15:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24133459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shatteredwriters/pseuds/shatteredwriters
Summary: "Are...are you afraid to die?" He heard Hawkeye's sharp intake of breath, and then...nothing. The question hung in the air, a dark and brooding thought spoken into existence. The silence grabbed B. J.'s heart like a vice, tormenting him, teasing him, crushing him. And still, Hawkeye didn't answer.
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt & Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Series: Brothers in Arms [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1741429
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	Are You Afraid to Die?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! This is the first work in my series, "Brothers in Arms". I'm taking all inspiration from various Tumblr writing prompts. I stumbled across the prompt "are you afraid to die?" and this just seemed to write itself. I'm a sucker for some good ol' bonding between our two favorite surgeons. Nothing graphic, some minor language. All angsty fluff (and no whump this time, which is so weird for me lol). I hope you all enjoy!

The only sound was the steady drip of water falling into a puddle on the cave floor. B. J.’s ears were perked for any other hint of noise, any sign that he and Hawkeye weren’t actually alone. He wasn’t entirely certain what scared him more: the fact that he and Hawkeye were stranded who-knows-where alone, or the fact that they were stranded who-knows-where and they _weren’t_ alone.

Everything had been going smoothly, which should have been B. J.’s first hint of trouble. Nothing ever goes according to plan in Korea, and it really never does in the army. It had been a quiet week at the 4077th, so the two surgeons had readily volunteered to offer support at a battalion aid station near the front. The trip there was uneventful, their 48 hours there weren’t too crazy, and the ride back towards the 4077th was going great. That was, until the sky above them had turned a foreboding grey, clouds rolled in to block the sunlight, and the wind whipped up in a frenzy. Before they knew it, the two surgeons and their trusty jeep were caught in the middle of a storm. Hawkeye had fought to keep control of the vehicle as it slipped in the increasingly muddy roads. They’d only made it half way back to camp before the jeep, in typical army-issued fashion, decided it was going to break down.

Neither one of the doctors could purport to be good mechanics, let alone know _anything_ about vehicle maintenance. So, with fear turning their movements frantic and frenzied, the pair grabbed their medical bags, the little bit of food they’d brought with them, and high-tailed it for cover.

B. J. had hoped that Hawkeye knew where they were, after all he had been up to the aid stations more times than the Californian. But one look at the uncertainty and panic clouding his friend’s eyes, and B. J. understood. _They were lost. No one knew where they were. They were on their own._

The storm had only gotten worse as the pair looked for someplace warm and dry. Hawkeye had tried to lighten the mood as they kept on with their search. But each joke came off as forced, his tone clipped and demeanor tense. The longer they were in the open, the less safe they were.

Finally, soaked to the bone and shivering, the two spied a small cave in the side of a hill. Praying that it was unoccupied, they jogged the rest of the way. It was cramped, and impossibly dark, with just enough room to get them both out of the chilling rain and wind.

That had been hours ago. They’d done their best to keep warm, and above all else, stay calm. But as the minutes turned into hours, their fear had only grown.

B. J.’s foot tapped against the stone floor, betraying his unease. All his muscles seemed to be coiled and his heart was racing, threatening to jump out of his chest. A rustling noise came from somewhere outside, and all at once B. J. was on his feet, letting out a small yelp in surprise. In the darkness, he could see Hawkeye’s eyes widen and scan the entrance of their small cave.

They each held their breath, waiting.

_One Mississippi._

_Two Mississippi._

_Three Mississippi._

B. J. kept counting silently, unsure of how he would react if someone poked their head around the edge. But no other sound came, nothing seemed to be moving outside. All that filled the tense silence was the _drip drip drip_ of water from the roof of the cave.

Hawkeye let out a forced, almost relieved, laugh.

“I think it was just the wind, Beej.”

The surgeon nodded, even though he knew Hawkeye couldn’t see him in the inky darkness, and tried to calm his frayed nerves. He just couldn’t help imagining the worst-case scenario for what lay beyond the safety of their small refuge. The whole North Korean Army could be outside, braving the storm, and searching for the drivers of the abandoned army jeep. There could be enemy snipers fixed on their position, ready to take a shot at them the minute they step out of the cave. Even if they didn’t get captured or killed, they might freeze to death in this cave or be lost out in the middle of nowhere for days, slowly running out of food and water and hope.

B. J. rolled his eyes at his dramatic catastrophizing. For all he knew, Colonel Potter could have sent someone out looking for them by now, or maybe they broke down in friendly territory with no threat of any North Korean sightings, or there could even be a family nearby that would lend them supplies and shelter once the storm let up.

His musings were interrupted as he heard Hawkeye moving around. A triumphant noise, followed by an unscrewing sound, let B. J. know that his friend had found what he was looking for.

“Care to wet your whistle?” Hawkeye asked, breaking the silence that had stretched between them.

Fumbling about in the darkness, B. J. latched onto Hawkeye’s outstretched hand, and found himself holding a small, metal flask.

“To your health.”

The familiar burn of gin felt good, taking the edge off their current predicament. They resumed their silence, trading the flask back and forth clumsily in their dim refuge. The storm still showed no sign of letting up, and the drop in temperature signaled the approach of night.

A shiver raced up B. J.’s spine as the chill in the air met his alcohol-warmed body. He could hear Hawkeye getting more and more restless, changing positions and moving around. B. J. remembered Hawkeye hated small spaces, and he knew the only thing keeping him in here at this point was the threat of the unknown outside their cave.

Reaching blindly out, B. J. passed the flask back to Hawkeye and placed his hand reassuringly on his friend’s shoulder. The touch seemed to startle Hawkeye at first, but he didn’t pull away. It was just a quick squeeze, but B. J. wanted to let him know that he wasn’t alone.

“You know, this reminds me of the last bad storm I experienced in Mill Valley. The wind was beating through the trees, the rain poured and poured, never seeming to end. It must have been cloudy for days. But when the sun finally came out, and the sky was blue again, Peg and I took Erin to the park down the street. And I swear, even though it wasn’t anything special, and there were still puddles everywhere, it was one of the happiest days of my life…”

B. J. trailed off, his voice fading out as he became lost in his bittersweet memories of home. Peg and Erin’s faces swam in his mind, bringing the sting of tears to the corners of his eyes.

“That sounds real nice, Beej.”

“I’d give anything to be home...” B. J. whispered, desperately trying to clear the emotion that tightened his throat.

“You know, Hawk. There are days I feel like I’m never gunna get back there. Like this war will just keep going and going. And worst of all, Erin will be all grown up by the time I get back. I’ll…I’ll have missed _everything_.”

A single tear snaked down B. J.’s cheek, and he blamed the gin.

Hawkeye didn’t answer as the wind thrashed violently through the trees and sprays of rain misted in through the cave opening.

B. J. felt his friend shiver, and heard more than saw him pull his jacket tighter around him. In a small voice, one so very different from his usual boisterous and loud tone, Hawkeye murmured, “I’ve been here almost two years, Beej. I know…exactly what you mean.”

B. J. wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. There were times he forgot how long Hawkeye had really been here. He’d experienced much more than B. J. had. Seen things B. J.’s sure he’ll never speak of. Operated on too many kids, sent forward to aid stations too many times, gotten shot at and bombarded by artillery too often. Hawkeye had to be one of the strongest people he’d ever met, to be able to endure all this for as long as he had, and still meet each day with a sarcastic smile and quippy joke.

There in the dark of the cave, with the temperature dropping, and no hope of rescue in sight, the dangerous reality of the situation seemed to dawn on B. J.

He might not get back home to Mill Valley, jumping in puddles with Erin and Peg after a rainstorm. No more dinner dates, ice cream adventures, or barbecues on the Fourth of July…birthday parties, anniversaries, or Christmas mornings. Men die in war every day. Why was he under the impression he’d be safe, that he was special? Why was he so certain he’d get home?

B. J. sidled up next to Hawkeye, drawing his knees to his chest and leaning against Hawkeye’s shoulder.

“Please, Beej, you’re a married man,” Hawkeye wisecracked with forced joviality. Despite the lightness of the jest, B. J. could hear the apprehension in his friend’s voice and feel the tension in his rigid posture.

“Oh, shut up, I’m trying to make sure neither one of us freezes to death tonight.”

Hawkeye huffed amusedly, but relaxed and scooted closer to B. J. The temperature was still dropping, and their wet clothes weren’t doing them any favors. They had a cold night in store.

“Hawk?” B. J. finally said, trying to ignore the chill that seeped into his bones.

“Yeah?” Hawkeye responded tiredly, readjusting his position on the damp cave floor.

“Are…are you afraid to die?”

He heard Hawkeye’s sharp intake of breath, and then…nothing. The question hung between them, a dark and brooding thought spoken into existence. It seemed to suck the air out of their small space. Death was all too real here, lurking in the shadows and creeping up on the unsuspecting. All at once B. J. felt heavy, like his question was a physical weight that he was struggling to bear. The silence ensnared his heart like a vice, tormenting him, teasing him, crushing him. And still, Hawkeye didn’t answer.

B. J. was worried he never would. Maybe his question was one of those unspoken ones you never bring up in a war, when the threat of death loomed around every corner.

The last light of day faded and the darkness that surrounded them seemed to grow even blacker. Finally, Hawkeye’s voice broke the chilly air between them.

“Yeah, Beej. I-I am. Just as much as the next guy, I guess. But um. It’s…it’s not because I’m worried about the pain…or I have regrets…or I’m scared about what comes after. I’m-I’m afraid because I don’t want to leave my dad…alone.”

B. J. could hear the strain in Hawkeye’s voice, the quiet fear that punctuated every word. He held his breath and waited for him to continue. Maybe this time he wouldn't get a teasing joke in response, one that was meant to disguise and distract; maybe this time Hawkeye would open up.

Hawkeye cleared his throat and sniffled softly.

“After…after my mom died, um, it was just the two of us, you know? There was never a nicer, humbler, or greater man in the world. And I’m…I’m lucky enough to call him dad. But I knew he was lonely. Throughout medical school and residency, with each letter and every call home, I could hear it in his voice. In the words he left unspoken. He’s not very social, doesn’t have many friends. So, I’d decided that after I finished residency, I was going to join him at his practice in Crabapple Cove. I was going to move home so that he wouldn’t be by himself. When I told him Beej, it was the happiest I’d seen him…in-in as long as I could remember. My stuff was packed, my apartment sold. I was going home. And…and then, um, when I walked back through the front door, back into the house I’d grown up in…my dad was holding a letter. I knew there was a war on, I just never imagined I’d get drafted. Not right when I got home anyways. I guess that’s what they say about the best laid plans. After all that, and not seeing him for two years…I can’t just _leave_ him. It wouldn’t be fair or right. He doesn’t deserve that. He’s all I’ve got, and I’m all he’s got.”

Hawkeye coughed, swiping at his eyes. The two lapsed back into quiet, neither one knowing what to say. As Hawkeye sniffled, trying to regain control of his emotions, B. J. did his best to look for the right words.

“Well…you’ve got me, Hawk,” B. J. started slowly, nudging his friend. “And I might be scared shitless about dying, and about being stuck in this cave, and about getting captured, and about freezing to death in my sleep tonight. But…you’re not alone.”

If there was some light, B. J. would have been able to see the watery smile that engulfed Hawkeye’s features and the appreciation that shone in his blue eyes.

“Alright, scared shitless. You try and get some rest, I’ll stay up and keep watch first." He paused. "Don't think I could sleep in this tiny ass excuse for a cave anyways. I'm convinced this place is going to collapse in on us, burying me in here with only you and our half-empty flask for company. Not how I intend to go.”

The attempt at a joke elicited a small chuckle from B. J., and he knew Hawkeye's act was firmly back in place. Even if only for a brief moment, his friend had dropped his guard and let him see the _real_ Hawkeye. It was a privilege not afforded to many, and one the surgeon was not going to take lightly. The army may have screwed him by sending him to this godforsaken place, but at least they had the good sense to give him a best friend.

“Don't let that ceiling out of your sight now. It's poised to fall at _any_ moment...”

Though the rock wall he was perched up against was cold and unyielding, B. J. felt his eyes grow heavy of their own accord. He soon fell asleep to the soothing sounds of the _drip drip drip_ that filled their cave and Hawkeye's steady breathing. It was fitful rest, plagued by whole body shivers and a cold that stole his breath. Even so, his dreams were filled with happy images of Erin and Peggy, playing in the backyard and enjoying every moment together. No matter what it took, he felt it to his very core that he’d do everything he could to get back to them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading(:


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